Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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