Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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