Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
