am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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