Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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