While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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