I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize