i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
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Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
