as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
