Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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