Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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