This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
