she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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