i don't like sucking hair
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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