Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
