Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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