i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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