im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
