Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
being pregnant is like rehab
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
