you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
