god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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