There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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