I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
