i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
