How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
