Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
