I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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