Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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