i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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