I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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