Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize