she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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