I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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