if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
