I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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