girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
