you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
