Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
