I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
