I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
