My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
