My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
