Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize