weddingsv make me drug and hornr
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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