I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
