I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize