I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Send help, water and tortillas.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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