I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
