its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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