Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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