So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
