he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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