I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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