I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize