just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
